


Where She Is, You'll Find Me

by NikolCurzon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: 2x05 AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming of Age, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Multichapter, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 07:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2260275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikolCurzon/pseuds/NikolCurzon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn is absolutely fucking done. Rae agrees. 2x05 AU. multichapter</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've got no reason to stay, have I?

**Author's Note:**

> So this came to me one night, and it wouldn't leave until I'd written down a 100 words at least. And now it's bordering 2500. And I want it to be chaptered. So yeah. I don't know how long this will be yet, but I'm thinking I'll make it a full-blown story. I've seen a lot of fics around this scene, but not so many with my outcome. And this scene is worthy of A LOT of outcomes. Also I cried writing this because Rinn makes me emotional especially 2x05 Rinn, all right.

Rae’s floor was just as interesting like Rae herself. It was littered with empty cd cases, electrical appliances and hair accessories. He could even spy a rolled up ball of t-shirts haphazardly propped into the corner behind her wardrobe. It was so girly and boyish and _Rae_. Arrows of nostalgia attacked his heart. _The days he’d spent here …_

Remembering the reason he was here, he started to glare a hole into the carpet, wishing he had laser eyes so he could obliterate everything that reminded him of the damp but rainy afternoons of a typical Lincolnshire summer. He glanced at Rae, who was avoiding his eyes. _Not that typical_ , he thought, a bitter grimace tugging at his mouth.

He turned to the floor again, absent-mindedly kicking a forgotten troll toy with the tip of his shoe. It rolled away to the dark recess beneath her bedside table. Finn followed its departure before slowly facing Rae, bravery welling up inside him. “Me and Olivia split up.”

Rae plopped down beside him, and he looked at her body move before his gaze snapped back to her face again. She looked unaffected like he’d informed her about the weather, and he felt his insides clench. He had to physically keep himself from doubling over. Finn tried to keep the incredulous look off his face as Rae adjusted her position on the bed and deigned him a glance.

“Sorry mate,” she said softly. She didn’t sound sorry at all. Or jealous. Just uncaring. He shrugged, palming his mug, hoping he could stave off his nerves into the warmth of the tea.

He’d accepted that, that was the most reaction he could get out of her. It didn’t matter anyway. He and Olivia were done before they even started. It was just an icebreaker so he could ease into the conversation he actually came for. “We just weren’t right for each other,” he continued. “She had a mortgage, and I don’t even have an _overdraft_ for fuck’s sake!”

He tried to laugh it off, but inside Finn knew he was treading into the ‘real talk zone’. Truth was that, indeed, at this point in time Finn did not have an overdraft. But soon, he would.

There was more emotion on her face this time, something akin to amusement as she pursed her lips. Her voice was clearer when she spoke: “Is there anything I can do?”

_Yes, yes, you daft twat. **Love** me._ He sighed, shaking his head slightly. He briefly considered bolting out of there because Rae didn’t understand. She’d never understand. There was no point in telling her, he mused, because what would she do? Agree? Try to stop him? Both options made him queasy.

“It’s not just …” he trailed off, doubts plaguing his mind. He was on the verge of either spilling all his thoughts of the past few weeks without her or silencing himself forever. There really was no way to put this across without raw honesty. He glared daggers at the floor, cursing Rae and some higher power in the sky for putting him in this situation.

“What?” Rae insisted, and Finn almost came apart at the seams. Maybe she did care. A small bud of hope was watered in his mind, and he was ready. He filtered all his impending words through his brain, so he didn't end up with a bad case of word vomit.

“I’m not just down about breaking up with Olivia. I’m … I’m miserable in general.” He looked at her sharply when he said this, silently begging her to see the unhappiness in his eyes and understand. Glean the reason behind it. But she looked down.

Finn was undeterred. He tightened his hold around his mug, voice increasing in pitch. “I don’t enjoy college, I never have. I’m only there because everybody else is.”

“So what you gonna do?” He stared at her. She stared back. They were on the precipice on something, she was onto him and the true reason for his visit, and Finn suddenly wanted to take a step back. No, several. He regretted coming here. But his brain could not come up with a feasible excuse to take his leave.

So Finn answered her instead. “My uncle’s got this scaffolding company in Leeds. He said that I could go up there and work with him. It’s not exactly the dream but … well, got to leave college sometime. We’ve to grow up eventually, haven’t we?” His last question wasn’t rhetorical. He was truly asking her whether _he_ had to grow up.

Because if she said no, he would never.

Rae was silent for a bit. From what he could see, with her hair blocking half of her face, she looked conflicted. Her eyes were darting around. And then she lifted her head up, as if she understood. As if she accepted it. He couldn’t believe it.

_Don’t, Rae._

_This is unacceptable._

_Be angry, Rae!_

“So you’d have to move?” Rae asked, the innocence still in her voice.

“That’s what I’m saying. I’m thinking of moving away.” Finn felt a dead weight being dropped off his shoulders, but in its place there was only emptiness. He couldn’t feel relieved at finally getting it off his chest, because the resigned look on Rae’s face shattered whatever broken pieces were left of his heart.

Yet, like the masochist he was, he delved into that small bundle of hope still growing inside him. “Because I’ve got no reason to stay. Have I?”

Finn never asked rhetorical questions. So when he did, you’d know damn well he had ulterior motives. He hoped Rae realised that, hoped it for the shards of this friendship beyond repair, of the love never salvaged. Because he was _not_ her friend. And he never, ever, would be. There was only one way he could leave this house _and_ come back.

The tension was palpable in the air, and Finn mourned for the time when there was nothing between them but their own skin. He stared at her expectantly.

She looked hopeful. Just like him. Rae’s response was anything but what he expected. He leaned back slightly, perplexed. Sadness and utter heartbreak he could accept. Resentment he could explain away. But he had no words nor thoughts for this.

Before Finn could say something he knew he would regret later, she interrupted him. “Do you want to go, Finn? Will you stop being miserable there?”

He didn’t know. He truly had no clue. Leeds was an easy escape, his out from the suffocating box he was thrust into, here in Stamford. It was his ticket straight to anonymity. Who gave a fuck about some teenage scaffolder? He figured it would be comfortable. But actual happiness was too much to hope for at this time.

So he just shrugged, wondering where she was going with this. “Dunno. But I reckon I’ll be better off there. Stamford just …” He fished for words, coming up with nothing but one feeling. Pain. “Hurts.”

Rae sighed and while Finn investigated the exact nature of this sigh (sad, angry, hopeful?), he missed the hand grazing his fingers tightly clenched around his mug. He jumped. Rae shook her head soothingly, and prised them away from the ceramic. She took the mug from him, gingerly placing it on the bedside table. And then she enveloped his hand in hers.

Finn was flabbergasted, but instinctively squeezed. Rae scrunched up her nose at him in mirth, and it had been so long that he couldn’t help but move closer to her.

Her face turned serious. “I know it does. I feel it, all the time. Finn, I’m miserable too.”

She looked down, and he spotted the glistening of tears at the corner of her eye. He scooted to her even closer, desperate to ease her pain, forgetting his own. “College is a pain in the arse. I know everyone here, and I can’t shake off this utter hopelessness I get with them. I thought time and space from this place would help, and during the summer I felt alive again. But the gang was never meant to be forever. Because now it’s not the ‘gang’ – it’s Archie, Chloe, Chop, Izzy, you. And me. We’re all separate. I don’t even bloody see Chop anymore!”

Finn didn’t realise that he had been nodding to everything she said, too engrossed in her words and the alarming truth in them. Was it a bit of a stretch to admit that he’d been feeling the exact way? But he didn’t want to break the spell and tell her. Rae had _never_ divulged so much of her inner thoughts to him.

But Rae seemed to think different. She rubbed his knuckles, her face expectant, glancing up at him. He frowned. “What?”

Rae wasn’t perturbed. Her expression was a perfect mask of calm as she turned to him fully, her shoulder briefly brushing his. “Tell me why it hurts,” she breathed. The look in her eyes made his heart stand still. It was full of care, affection, and … No, he didn’t dare think about it. But the bud of hope had grown to a flower in his mind, even if he was still confused what her intentions were.

He decided to come clean. He grasped her other hand in his, holding their intertwined hands between them like a lifeline. “It hurts to be around people, knowing who I am. Finn Nelson. Football player, heartbreaker, grumpy wanker, brainless, dumb, no personality. It hurts to be around you, while you know who I really am. I am drowning, Rae! The hurt, the misery, the unhappiness – it’s clogging up my lungs and I can’t breathe. I have been faking it – I’ve been faking that everything has been fine for weeks now. But nothing is. And I suck at pretending.”

Swallowing down the sob in his throat, he closed his eyes. His voice was softer, quieter. “Leeds is not a paradise. I’m not expecting it to be. But it’s an oasis in a desert. Anything is better than Stamford, Lincolnshire, Rae. Leeds is only the best available option. And I’m taking it.” He finished with a deep exhale, and deflated. He’d never talked about himself for so long. Who knew it could be so tiring?

“You’re right, Finn. You have no reason to stay.”

His breath hitched, and if she’d left it at that, Finn knew he would have cried right there and then.

But Rae continued, fiddling her thumbs, face sombre. “Neither do I.”

It was like a switch was flipped in his brain, as the full force of her words hit him like a bullet. Just like that, the fog in his head cleared. He understood why she’d been behaving the way she did. Her hope when he mentioned Leeds (and now that he looked back, he noticed that she’d seemed wistful as well), her quick acceptance, her honesty about how she’s been feeling. It took his breath away.

He voiced what they both were thinking. “Then come with me. Let’s get away from this place – I’m taking my chance. Take yours.” And in his mind, an image was already forming. Him and Rae. In Leeds. Together.

Determination rose in him. He brought her hands up, allowing them to rest on his chest while he stroked her arms and looked her in the eye. She looked unsure, but her grip on his shirt was firm. He took it as encouragement.

Finn smiled. “We’ll be together,” he promised her and meant it, in more ways than one. “There’s only a week to go till Christmas holidays, right?” Rae nodded, wordlessly.

After that the words came tumbling out of his mouth. “We can leave after that, or even tomorrow if you want. We’ll go to Leeds. They’ve got really good colleges there, you can sign up for one. I’ll work, and we’ll stay at my uncle’s until we figure something out. He doesn’t mind.” Finn didn’t dwell on the fact that they weren’t together anymore, and that he had no right to plan the future for them. He focused instead on the knowledge that Rae’s hands had never let go of his shirt, and that her eyes had never strayed from his. She’d been listening to him with rapt attention, eyes wide, but not from shock. There was promise in the way she gazed at him. It filled him with joy, and his smile grew bigger.

He rested one hand on the crook of her elbow while the other cradled the side of her face. She closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against his palm, and sighed. This time he knew exactly what it meant: hope.

“I want to,” she said after a beat. Her eyes fluttered down, for only a moment, before they met his again. “Ever since you brought it up, I can’t help but think ... what if? I want to get away from this place. You make it sound so easy.”

His smile falters. He was ready to start a fresh slate with Rae by his side, especially now that she had shown interest, but he’s starting to see the complications. “It won’t be,” Finn admitted begrudgingly. “You’ll have to leave everything. I know you don’t like the people here, but what about your mum? The gang? They’ll still be in Stamford. It won’t be easy, Rae.”

“Don’t worry about my mum.” She huffed, but didn’t elaborate. He frowned, but didn’t ask. “The gang will survive. They’re surviving well enough as it is.” Rae shrugged, but Finn clocked the down-turned corners of her mouth. “And besides, it’s not like we’re moving to the Outer Hebrides or something. Leeds is barely two hours away.”

For the first time in the conversation, she’d mentioned them as a ‘we’. It made it seem all the more real – that they might be actually doing this, and together too. His hand slipped from her face and sought refuge in her hair, and the one on her elbow slid to her waist. He held her against him.

Rae dropped her hands from his chest and Finn panicked, but relaxed when they wrapped around his middle. They clung together tightly, and he tried to put as much of his love as he could into their embrace. He loved her so, so much.

There was a calmness in silence that Finn never noticed before. Silences were always uncomfortable, made the thoughts whirring in his heads louder. But this time, there were no thoughts but the feeling of Rae in his arms. Even if Leeds wouldn't be his home – Rae was, and would always be.

He nuzzled into her hair, burrowing his face into her dark locks. _I love you, and I will always only love you_ , he whispered. She didn’t stir nor show any sign that she had heard it, but Finn didn’t mind. It was out in the open now. He could never take it back, and wouldn’t want to.

Finn lowered them on the bed, his arms still firmly wrapped around her and Rae didn’t protest, snuggling against him as they settled on her pillow. She moved closer to him and brought her hand up to stroke his jaw, with the utmost care. He let her sooth him, and put back the broken pieces of his heart.

That night, Finn came to Rae’s to find a reason to stay. Now, he had more reasons to leave. And back when he would’ve felt crushing sadness, he now was elated. The same flower bud of hope had grown to encompass an entire garden.


	2. Let's get down to business, shall we?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, but times have been VERY hectic. Stupid exams. So this is chapter two, and not much happens except Rinn talk out stuff and major fluff. Two very big turn-ons for us emus! Next chapter all the drama will start, and we will find out how everyone else will react.

The next morning, Finn was woken up by a forceful thudding and a light pressure on his collarbone. Blinking rapidly, he tried to take a breath, inhaling wisps of black hair instead.

 Rae was using him as her human pillow, lying across his chest with her head resting on his shoulder, and he couldn’t say he minded much. Looking at her sleeping figure (her plump lips slightly open, her eyes squeezed adorably), Finn smiled and leisurely closed his eyes. He endeavoured to fall asleep again.

But Linda Earl had different ideas.

“What’s with the bloody door? Rae Earl! How many times have I told you not to lock the door at nights?”

The voice of the household’s matriarch filtered through the oak of Rae’s door and shocked him awake again. He scrambled to sit upright, darting a panicked glance at Rae, who too had been woken up by the commotion. She was rubbing her eyes, a yawn making its way through her mouth.

Despite how cute it was, Finn had to get her to focus on the situation beforehand.

“Rae,” he hissed, shaking her arm urgently, nodding to the trembling door. He cringed after each blow from Linda’s fist. If she caught even a sniff of Finn here, she was going to skin him alive. “Rae! Do something!”

“Wha’ you want me to – yawn – do?” She asked sleepily, eyelids drooping. Finn rolled his eyes. Rae was of no use at the moment.

“RAE! OPEN THE DOOR!”

The knocking persisted, and became more forceful, if possible. Rae’s eyes widened, her eyes swiftly turning at the alarm clock at her night stand and at the door, consciousness slowly creeping in. She then shifted to look at Finn, and they shared a worried glance.

“Oh fuck,” she swore, throwing her duvet off her body, leaving him bare too. He shivered from the sudden cold; Finn took off his jacket last night and was only in his thin t-shirt, vulnerable to the morning chill entering through the open window.

 _W_ _ho leaves the window open on a winter night_ , he wondered.

Rae jumped off the bed and hurried to her closet, throwing a hasty “Hold your horses mum, I’m not decent!” over her shoulder before pulling the doors open with a flourish. She briefly inspected the contents, seemingly satisfied, before turning to Finn, and nodded at her wardrobe.

Finn was at a loss. What did she want? He raised his shoulders, and flinched when another punch sounded against the door. 

He held his hands up in confusion. “What the hell Rae?”

She rolled her eyes and gestured to her closet, exasperated. “Fucking get in, Finn!”

“I’m not getting in your bloody wardrobe, for Christ’s sake!”

“ _Nelson_ , either you’re going in or I’m dragging you. _Or_  we both get sautéed by Mum.”

Finn threw another panicked glance at the door, before letting out a defeated sigh. He tiptoed towards Rae, and sent her a scathing look. Taking a deep breath, he darted inside her wardrobe, Rae hurriedly closing the doors behind him. 

He was regretting it already.

It was cramped inside. There wasn’t enough room for him, like he’d expected, leading to him crouching and slumping into himself. He tried to not choke on the overwhelming scent of fabric softener.

Ignoring the throbbing pain in his neck from his position, he tuned his hearing to the hushed conversation outside his prison. The thick plastic from the furniture he was trapped in muffled their voices, but barely.

“Mum, what the fu—”

“Rae, why was the door closed? What the bloody hell have you been doing in here?”

“Mum, why’d you barge in all the time? I’m sixteen, already!”

“Yeah, you still bangin’ on about your adult bullshit?”

“MUM!”

Finn chuckled softly at their banter, but something was nagging at him. _What ‘adult bullshit’?_

Their voices were quieter now, and he could only assume they’d moved further in the room, probably on the bed. There was the distinct creaking noise of the bed springs.

He blew air through his nose, frustrated at his situation. Why oh why did he not anticipate Linda breaking down her daughter’s door at 7AM, unashamed? It was the least he could expect from the spitfire that spawned Rae, _his_ all-time favourite spitfire.

But now he was caught in the midst of it, with no escape. How would he leave with Linda in the house?

Unless Rae took her away and distracted her long enough for him to climb through her window and down the roof. But considering how long she was taking already, he doubted that was happening any soon.

Should he just reveal himself? If in any doomsday scenario Linda would casually decide to open the wardrobe, he would be well and thoroughly fucked. And not the good kind (especially not by Linda).

There was a scuffle outside, and Finn strained his ears. A long sigh, before the bolts of the door to Rae’s bedroom creaked noisily.

“Just go downstairs mum, all right? I’ll be there.”

Another mumble, too quiet for him to hear, and he finally heard the deafening sound of the door shutting.

Immediately he pushed the closet open, stumbling out into her room. He took a deep breath, cherishing the air spilling into his lungs.

Rae looked on with amusement from her spot on her duvet, scanning him from head to toe.

“Had fun?” Her eyebrows wiggled playfully.

Finn glared at her, half-serious. “Fuck you.”

She grinned at him, but her face soon dropped as he waddled closer to her, collapsing on the bed. Her eyebrows were knotted in thought. Finn couldn’t help but reach out his hand, and smooth the crinkle between them.

“Could you climb down the roof?” She asked him after he let his fingers drop from her face. He shrugged.

“Probably,” Finn answered curtly, looking outside her window at the red-bricked monstrosity. Her bedroom was quite a height from the street. Raising his eyebrows, he pondered this new revelation. “Yeah, probably.”

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“I don’t know, a’right? Maybe.”

Rae sighed and got up, nearing the window. She threw an unsure glance outside, frowning in concentration as if working out the exact distance from her window to the ground, doing some mental maths, and whirled around to face Finn. There was a satisfied grin on her face.

She rubbed her hands together and gestured to the window, and Finn felt the uneasiness rise.  

“I dunno, Rae,” he finally admitted, nervously shuffling his feet. “Can I not slip out through the front door? I’m sure once your mum gets wind of Karim, it won’t be too hard to get her distracted.”

Rae stared at him wordlessly, horror in her eyes and blood-chilling realisation dawned on him. He widened his eyes, mortified.

“I-I-I didn’t …” Finn could barely finish, red-hot shame filling his core. _Damn it!_

Finn didn’t mean to sound like an utter pervert, his double-entendre was unintentional (though a blunt voice in him insisted it was true anyway, with all the times he had heard them going at it whenever he visited his then-girlfriend), and was relieved when Rae simply shrugged, her cheeks speckled with a lovely shade of pink.

Yet, she was looking anywhere but at him. “S’okay, I guess. Anyway, there’s no way I could hide your footsteps; she’ll find out the minute you come down the stairs, no matter where she is. We can’t take the front door, Finn.”

“But I don’t … I don’t think it’s a good idea and -- wait, what do you mean ‘we’?” Eyes snapping up from the ground to her face, he blinked furiously. His heart stuttered in his chest when she gave him a pouty smile in reply, eyebrows raised, taking two steps forward.

She ran a hand along his arm, and Finn felt the hairs raise as the warmth of her touch seeped through his shirt. Why did she have to touch him like that? For the umpteenth time since he met her, he wished he was naked. That they both were, in fact.

He strategically put his hand on top of hers, subtly pushing it against him. Rae gave him a small smile, not missing the gesture.

“You promised me something last night, Finnley,” she teased, but there was a nervous undertone to her voice. As if she doubted he’d actually go through with it.

Finn stroked her hand reassuringly. He was dying to go through with it, yes. The idea of leaving this wretched town with the girl in front of him was all he could wish for, but he had to know whether she knew what she was in for.

Life with Rae would be blissful, but in hindsight, complicated. They were, essentially, running away from home. They weren’t of age – he wouldn’t be for another painful four months, while she was almost a year away from her eighteenth.

She didn’t know the ins and outs of adulthood (he didn’t quite either, but being a year older and having glimpsed at a life of sophistication with Olivia gave him bit of a head start).

And then there was the problem that not only had they both accumulated their own dirty laundry in the weeks spent apart, but that they were still, well, apart.

If he was Archie, if he was any other mate, would she have agreed to go, too? Was she so desperate to get away from her problems, thus willing to leave with any lad just so she got to leave Stamford?

“Finn?”

Her quivering voice interrupted his musings, and he glanced at his arm, noticing she’d dropped her hand. He tried to keep the disappointment off his face and closed his eyes so he didn't have to see hers.

“Yes, Rae?”

“Have you changed your mind?”

The bed dipped next to him, and he opened his eyes again, facing her. He flash-backed to last night, remembering them being in the same position. Finn wanted to tell her everything he was thinking, every doubt and every fear and every suspicion, but he didn’t want to crack any semblance of armistice between them.

 _But_ , they had to talk.

Which meant clambering down one certain roof he was, frankly, not looking forward to.

He sighed, resigned. “No, Rae, but we do have to talk. Let’s go.”

With that, Finn rubbed his hands together and went over to the window, surveying the hatch. Rae followed him silently. He dared a glance at her face behind his shoulder, but immediately cowered at the blankness of it.

She gave him a meaningful push, and he stepped aside, allowing her to open the window. After the lock clicked open, she turned around to face him again and he relaxed when he saw her smile.

“I’ve tried to sneak out through the window before, but the first time I nearly broke my arse. After that I did it a few more times, and now I have the grace of a burglar.” She laughed and her face softened, recalling a fond memory. “I might as well be, actually. Mrs. Dewhurst nearly called the police on me one time when she saw ‘a suspicious-looking entity crawling through the youngest Earl’s window’. I think she might have even thought it was you!”

Finn grinned. “So, she would call the fuzz on your boyfriend, huh? Such outdated thinking.”

“Such impropriety is not tolerated in this neighbourhood, young man.”

Finn smiled sadly, thinking of how he’d never had the chance to get improper like that with Rae. He would take an altercation with the police over what _really_ happened, any day.

But he pushed those memories away. After their much needed talk, they could hopefully start afresh. And then, when all bullshit was cleared between them and everything fell in place, he wouldn’t even _have_ to sneak in.

He stepped back, allowing Rae her space to go out first. Now that Rae had made her confession, he was a little more reassured. If Rae could do it, so could he.

In the meantime, he would take great caution not to break his coccyx.

Rae opened the window as wide as possible before stepping one foot out, and then the other. Soon, she stood crouched right under the window pane, and Finn had to crane his neck out to watch her shuffle down the roof with practiced precision.

He never broke his gaze as she climbed the pipe running down the wall. She landed steadily on her feet and looked up at him, giving him a thumbs up.

Finn smiled at her fondly before gripping the window and quickly stepping over the boundary. Copying Rae’s movements, he slid down the roof in a less graceful fashion, mindful of his steps. The pipe seemed nearly out of his reach, but at Rae’s encouraging smile, he managed to grasp on it _just_.

After one excruciating minute, he was finally on the ground, though his landing was decidedly louder than Rae’s and a contact burn seared his palms from sliding down the pipe. But he was finally with Rae, no danger in sight.

He hoped it was a taste of what was to come.

Finn surveyed their surroundings, hoping that they had been subtle enough and hadn’t raised any alarm. Conveniently, the neighbourhood was completely deserted, and Finn suddenly remembered that it was the asscrack of dawn.

_Fuck’s sake, Linda!_

Turning to Rae, he nodded behind him. “My car’s right along the corner. Shall we go?”

He had no sodding clue where he was asking her to go. The pub? His house? Leeds?

But Rae didn’t pick up on his vagueness, nodding back at him. Finn smiled nervously and contemplated grasping her hand. He glanced at it hanging limply by her side. She hadn’t pulled away when he’d stroked her hand, not immediately anyway. He’d slept in her bed last night.

A bit of hand-holding wasn’t going to freak her out, right?

He interlocked his fingers with hers, relieved when she squeezed his hand. She let herself be led by him, keeping up his hasty pace. Knowing his luck, Linda could open the front door any moment and witness her daughter being lured away from home by her ex-boyfriend.

Wasn’t that what he was doing, though? Taking Rae away from her family?

 _She wants this_ , he reminded himself. _She isn’t happy here_. But would she be in Leeds, with him? Who was to say that this wouldn’t just exacerbate her problems?

He steamed over this and must’ve gone quiet for some time, as he felt a tug on his hand when they rounded the corner. He abruptly stopped and looked at a concerned Rae.

Swinging their hands slightly, Rae furrowed her eyebrows. “Is something wrong, Finn?”

His automatic response would’ve been a quick ‘nothing’, but then he remembered that his grump was partly what brought them in this mess.

Finn shrugged, spying his car only a couple feet away from them. A few more steps, and he would be there. He needed Rae to hold off with the questions until then.

“Nothing too worrying,” he assured her, gripping her hand tighter. “We’ll talk in the car, yeah?”

Rae nodded in the affirmative, and looked away. Finn didn’t miss the worry on her face.

* * *

 

Soon enough, they were in his car. Finn had the steering wheel in a dead grip while Rae absent-mindedly fiddled with the knob on his radio.

He glanced out his window nervously, half anticipating a fire-breathing Linda rounding the corner and launching herself on the car to stop them from leaving. He gulped. If she had any clue where Rae was, she’d burn him to a crisp with a flamethrower.

Sneaking a look at the girl next to him, disappointed at her continued silence, he started the engine. He’d hoped she would set their talk in motion, but it seemed like he’d have to grasp the reins on this one. It was only when they finally left her street that a blanket of safety settled over him, and Finn felt braver than he’d been for a long time.

He kept his eyes firmly on the road while they passed by the chip shops and meagre food stalls on the high street. Never straying his gaze, he finally called out to her. “Rae?”

There was a catch of breath, but Finn willed himself not to look her straight in the eye. His grip on the wheel hardened.

“Yeah?”

They bypassed the pub, which meant option one was out of the question. So was option two; for some reason, he didn’t want to go home yet. His father would be waiting for him there, ready to say his goodbyes. Finn had no idea how he would break the news.

_Guess what, dad? Not only am I leaving you here by your merry self, I’m taking my ex-girlfriend with me. Laters!_

Yeah, that wouldn’t go over very well.

“I thought we could talk. About you and me.” He took a deep breath, hoping Rae understood what he meant. What he _specifically_ meant.

He finally dared to look at her, only for a second, and caught her thoughtful expression.

“You’re right, we should. I don’t know where to start, though.”

That was fine. He kind of had an idea where.

“Why’d you break up with me Rae?”

He flinched at his forwardness, but considering that’s where things went to shit, he figured it was easy to work from there.  _It’s not like I’ve lost too much sleep over it,_ he thought sarcastically.

Also, Finn was kind of dying to hear her answer.

From where he could see, Rae had her head down, cracking her fingers meticulously. It was distracting, but not enough to steer him away from the one question that had been burning on his mind for weeks. Her face looked hesitant, as if she was contemplating whether to lie to him or not.

He wanted to be angry at this, but only felt how tired he really was. “The truth, Rae,” Finn elaborated. Rae faced him fully, surprise on her face, fingers paused in the air.

Their surroundings were familiar but he remembered seeing them in the warm glow of the August sun, and not in the harsh light of the winter. They were on the road heading to the Rutlands, and Finn wondered if that could be a viable destination.

But he hadn’t been there since summer. And once he stepped foot onto the grass, with Rae by his side, the memories would hit him so hard he’d get whiplash.

He parked by the side of the road, leaving plenty of space, though there were no cars in sight. He left the key in the ignition.

Finn’s hands dropped from the steering wheel and turned the heater up. Gradually, the car lost its chill. He hoped this would serve as a catalyst to their conversation, as Rae’s silence was making his hairs stand on end when all he wanted to do was shake her, beg her to tell him what he’d done. But the last thing he wanted was to see her upset, so he settled for looking at her while she looked out the window, and waited. For her.

“It was me,” Rae finally whispered, her head still turned away. “I broke up with you because of _me_. Don’t you get it, Finn? I stood in the way. Your life was turning out to be just as horrible as mine.”

Finn frowned. What the hell was she talking about?

“What do you mean, Rae? My life was perfectly fine, well, when you were in it, that is.” He didn’t want to question why  _her_ life was horrible, because truly, he didn’t know. She never let him know. Their relationship never got to _that_ level of sharing.

Which begged the question: did it ever go _anywhere_?

A question he was unwilling to ask himself.

Rae shook her head, sadly. “ _No_ , Finn. Once you were seen with me, people treated you differently. They only saw you as the guy dating _me_ : the delusional, blind lad with poor judgement, going out with that _blob_.”

Finn was offended, both for his and her sake. “Do you really think that?” He asked softly, voice cracking. Rae immediately whipped her head around, face falling when she clocked Finn’s miserable one.

She tried to backtrack. “Finn, not me! Everyone else. Did you honestly never notice the stares, the whispers, whenever we were out in public?”

He gave her a ‘don’t-be-silly’ look, but something was clicking in his head. It was as if he was slowly gathering the pieces to a particularly difficult puzzle and he did not like it.

“What?” Was he really that obtuse? How could he have not noticed stuff like that?

 _Well, duh, Romeo,_ he thought, with terrifying realisation. He was too besotted with Rae to actually pay attention to anything else but her. Even the stuff that _hurt_ her.

Rae had crossed her arms, and refused to look at him. Finn didn’t resent her for it. He wouldn’t look at himself either. She continued, her face still turned away. “In college too. Whenever we walked in, people would stare at us, well glare, really.

I even heard it sometimes, you know? How you were a chubby chaser, the whole ‘magic fanny’ thing and …”

“Wait, what?”

His hand shot out and grasped her shoulder, turning her to face him. She looked up, bewildered. But Finn didn’t care. He continued, voice high, “That was _you_?”

She nodded.

His grip loosened and he let his hand fall away. Finn’s eyes were wide, shock written across his face, as realisation sunk in.

One time, when he and Rae were still together, he’d heard Simmy banging on about this bird with a magic fanny. Recalling how much a bragger his fellow Year Thirteen was, he’d chalked it up to him boasting about his latest conquest. But it was something else entirely, and while Rae had agonised over it, he’d been blissfully ignorant.

His body was burning with shame, as if he’d just had hot candle wax poured all over him. How could he not have put two and two together?  

“I’m so sorry,” Finn whimpered, not knowing what else to say.

Rae peered at him through her eyelashes, and the sight of her – her chin dipping to her chest, her hair gathered on one side, expression so vulnerable – broke him. He couldn’t believe that _this_ was what tore them apart.

“What could I have done?” Finn queried out loud. How could he have helped Rae? Knowing about it would have been helpful, but what was the next step? He’d gladly beat up any shithead who looked at her funny, but he could hardly smash every dick he saw. Soon enough, he’d be full of hatred and anger. It would’ve soured their relationship.

Rae started to shake her head, and put a hand on top of his. “No, no, Finn, you couldn’t have done anything. It was them. It was me. If I wasn’t like … this, then you never would have to deal with it.”

She sniffed, and when Finn spied the tell-tale glistening of her eyes, he snapped.

“What the fuck, Rae! This is not your bloody fault, all right? It was them, yes, and _me_. I never listened. I never understood. I never did anything. I am at fault. You are perfect – _no_ , Rae, you are. Why didn’t you ever tell me this was happening?”

He was angry, but not at Rae. He was angry at the world, at the people who thought they had a say in what Rae should be, at Stamford. He was reminded of every reason to hate this godforsaken town.

Rae was looking down guiltily, unable to meet his eyes. Finn was sick of it. He wanted to spend a lifetime looking into those gorgeous hazel depths, and she wasn’t making it any easier.

So he cupped her cheek, and lifted her head up. She gazed at him, and Finn matched her intensity with a smoulder of his own. “What they think is not who we are, Rae. I am an idiot for not telling you that. I had the chance back in that disabled toilet, when you asked me why I liked you. And I wanted to tell you, Rae, really, but I couldn’t. I still can’t tell you, because it’s _everything_ about you!”

Rae gaped at him, wide-eyed.

He continued. “It’s hard to explain. It’s just that I can’t see any fault with you, you know? At first, your loudness and your superior taste of music annoyed me. But I started to love it, and I don’t even know why I ever disliked it in the first place.”

“Superior taste of music, eh?” She smiled at him, her hand joining his on her cheek. He chuckled.

“Aye girl,” he admitted fondly. “Maybe I do still hate it, just a little bit.”

At this Rae started to laugh, and soon he joined her.

Their laughter slowly faded, replaced by lingering smiles. Finn slid his hand from her cheek to her neck, and grazed his thumb over her jumping pulse. She sighed, her breath swishing against his face. “Finn,” she started, her voice quivering. “That’s not the only reason. I couldn’t take off my clothes in front of you, either. I tried, I swear, but I always panicked and ended up hating myself. It was too hard.”

His eyes softened, and he nodded. “I would have waited, Rae. I can understand if you weren’t ready for sex.”

“I was! I wanted to! It’s not that, well, not exactly. Finn, I hate my body.” Rae’s started to tear up.

“Don’t cry, Rae, please. Why do you hate your body? It’s amazing!”

“You haven’t seen it, Finn. How do you know? Once you saw me, you would’ve gone running for the hills.”

Finn clenched his jaw. “Do you really think that less of me? And besides, you thought the solution would be to break up with me?” He asked, incredulously.

Rae threw her hands up in the air, exasperated. “Well, I guess, yeah. If I didn’t, I would’ve gotten more attached and it would have hurt more, when you realised who I really am.”

“ _Rae_. Do you actually think I can’t see how you look like? That your clothes hide your body? It might cover your body, Rae, but it doesn’t turn you into another person. I can see that you’re bigger than other girls. I can see that you’re tall too. Taller than me. I’m also aware that you have long, black hair. Beautiful eyes. A dashing bum. Like, honestly? Do you even know how much I stare at your arse every day, Rae?”

He hadn’t meant to let that last bit of information slip, but now he didn’t regret it. Rae deserved to know.  “What I’m trying to say is that I guess you’re not that different naked than what I imagine. You’re beautiful Rae. Drop-dead gorgeous. Also, I’ve seen you in a swimsuit, which didn’t leave much to the imagination.”

They shared a giggle, and Finn delighted in the faint blush on her cheeks. Every second of it. Rae sobered up first, and gave him an unsure glance. It was evident that she found it a lot to take in.

“I want to believe you,” she said softly. “Really, I do. I know you’re sincere. But it’s so unbelievable to me, you know?”

“I know,” he affirmed. Finn knew she wouldn’t believe him straight away, and he would not pressure her to. It was _her_ journey, after all. One day, she would believe that she was beautiful.

And this time round, he would be there every step of the way. “And I will show you until you do. And after that, too.”

Rae cracked a smile. “What if it takes a long time?”

“Then I guess we have a long road ahead of us.”

“What if it takes forever?”

She crossed her arms challengingly, but Finn didn’t miss the slight tremble in her lower lip. He reached for her hand and tugged it away from her elbow. She let him. Bringing it up his lips, Finn kissed every knuckle lovingly, holding her gaze.

“If that’s what it takes,” he began, determination burning in his eyes like embers in a fire. “Then I _will_ take forever to convince you. I’ll be with you, girl.”

* * *

 

 It was way past nine, Finn realised after a quick glance at his watch. He knew that Linda must be sick with worry right now, and that his dad must be scouring the whole town for him, assuming the worst.

The thought was laughable; Finn would never leave without saying goodbye to his old man. Yet, Rae was informally missing at the same time and he wondered whether their parents had called each other up, and put two and two together.

He didn’t share his worries with Rae, however – not yet. Finn couldn’t bear to disturb the peace between them.

They were sitting on a patch of raised land, a mini-hill so to speak, on a field of barley in the middle of nowhere. They’d left Stamford a while ago and Finn reckoned they must be somewhere on the outskirts of Lincoln, but that was how far his geographical expertise stretched. Rae hadn’t been much help either: she couldn’t read a map for shit, and put in as little effort in helping him out as possible – opting to gaze out of her window instead.

Just like she was doing now. Her hand was outstretched, tentatively grazing the wisps of barley before them. The corner of her mouth quirked up. It was the calmest she’d looked in weeks, and Finn prided himself on allowing that. He took in her serene expression closely, cradling a thermos in his hand.

Finn had stuffed a litre of earl grey in the compartment under his dashboard the night when he went to Rae’s – he wanted to be prepared for the long drive to Leeds, especially in this harsh weather. But now that his departure was delayed slightly, he’d prefer to share it with the only person he knew would appreciate it the most.

Finn held it out to her. “Want a cuppa?”

Rae’s head whipped around briskly, and Finn almost regretted asking her, but then she clocked the beverage in his hand and a smile bloomed. She nodded. The wind lashed against her face unforgivingly, causing red spots to flourish in her cheeks.

She was truly a sight to behold.

“I’d love to,” Rae affirmed. Her nimble fingers stretched out towards him.

Finn screwed the lid open, poured a considerable amount in it before handing it to Rae. She accepted the makeshift cup with a shy bow of her head, before putting it to her lips. He watched her as she sipped her beverage, entranced.

Finn cleared his throat. “So … how are you feeling?”

Rae shrugged one shoulder, lid still raised to her mouth. “All right, I guess. Nice place.”

“I know, really relaxing. Lucky we came across it, eh?”

She chuckled, passing the lid to him again. He poured one for himself. “Yeah.”

They fell into silence after that. Finn didn’t know what to say, preferring to drink and watch her instead. Rae didn’t seem in the mood for small talk anyway.

She stared into the distance, and he followed her unwavering gaze. The fields laid unfolded before them, stretching into a sea of endless gold past the morning sun. The wind softly blew the plants. It hadn’t snowed yet, so the crops were untouched, allowing them to drink in the sight from the fruits of the fertile earth.

If he and Rae could sit here forever, unmoving, with no one interfering ever again, then Finn would’ve said fuck all to Leeds. _This_ would have been his reason to stay.

He wrapped his arms around his knees, resting his head on them. The peaceful lull in their conversation hadn’t grown uncomfortable yet, and Rae seemed just as enthralled with the British countryside as he was, so neither complained. It felt like they were sharing something intimate, even though only their shoulders were lightly touching. Every once in a while Rae would adjust her position and brush against him, but those seconds of excitement passed as quickly as they came. He was more at ease in that moment than he ever had been, and he felt in tune with Rae at a level he wasn’t sure he’d experienced before.

Or maybe he had, once. When she’d clasped her hands around him on his scooter, on the way to the rave. The buzz of their exhilaration was dulled by the greenery flashing around them, but Finn felt her sense of weightlessness like it was his own, flooding inside him like a broken dam. And he fell for her, harder – and far, far more painful – than before.

He was still falling. But this time, he had a parachute.

Finn glanced at her side profile, eyes dropping to her slightly puckered lips. They hadn’t kissed yet. Wasn’t this the standard protocol after making up? _Had they really?_

He was sure he couldn’t have made his love for her any clearer in the car, and Rae seemed open to rekindling their relationship. And what other option was there to go to Leeds than as a couple, starting a new life together?

Finn smiled, unable to contain his happiness at the thought. It would happen when the time came. They’d kiss eventually.

They weren’t finished talking, though. But he didn’t want to sully this memory, the time where had felt the most peaceful in his life.

“It’s been a while.” Finn cleared his throat awkwardly, and Rae looked at him. He reached over to put his hand over hers. A smile tugged at his lips. The feel of his hand enveloping her ever so small one felt snugly familiar. A warmth blossomed in his chest.

She slipped her fingers through the grooves of his, intertwining them. “Yeah. Do you think they’re looking for us?”

Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked so unsure that it broke Finn’s heart. She always worried about others: what they would think, what they would do, how they would survive without her. A selfish part of him wanted her to only think about him ( _about them_ ), but he could never ask that of her.

In that moment, Leeds seemed farther away than its two-hour distance. Finn sighed. “They probably are,” he conceded, wearily. “Let’s get a move on.”

Rae nodded, face serious, and shifted to stand. Finn scrambled up first to assist her. Rae laughed, but let him. She leaned against him afterwards, sighing into the crook of his neck.

“My Finn, ever the gentleman …”

Finn swallowed.

“Let’s get to the car, yeah?” he suggested, voice cracking. Rae nodded.

It was a short trek to the car, but felt like ages. In the ten minutes it took for them to get to the roadside, Rae had hugged him, kissed his cheek, ran her fingers through his hair – repeatedly. It required considerable will power for Finn not to purr at her antics.

He separated from her as soon as they reached his car and opened the door for her. She flashed him a smile, blinding, even in the gloom of the morning.

Finn suppressed a giggle and climbed in the driver’s seat, starting the car. It gave out a grunt, and soon they were on the road again. Rae had resumed her hunched position by the window, her expression turning dazed as they rode along the English countryside.

Finn tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, loudly. The sound distracted Rae from her sight-seeing, and she promptly turned in her seat and faced him.

He grinned hollowly. “So, Leeds, huh?” Rae’s own smile dimmed, and Finn felt anxiousness creeping in his gut.

“Yeah. Leeds. You still up for it?”

“Absolutely.”

“All right.”

Seconds of silence passed, and it wasn’t as comfortable as before. Finn rolled his tongue around his mouth, fishing for words.

“Are _you_?” He grunted at her, finally. _Way to go, now she thinks you’re a monkey,_ Finn cursed at himself.

Rae didn’t seem perturbed. She nodded, but Finn thought it took a beat too long. “I am,” she said, her tone unreadable. Finn gripped the wheel harder. She had to be more convincing, because _nothing_ was going to happen if she had doubts. He had to make sure she wanted this.

Finn slowed down, kept to the edge of the road, and properly looked at her. “I need you to be honest with me, Rae. You can’t have any doubts. Are you sure you want to go to Leeds?”

She shrugged. “Yeah.”

“With me?”

Rae leaned back against her chair, sending him an annoyed glance. “Well, yeah, wasn’t that part of the deal?”

Finn glanced at his lap. “Yeah,” he murmured. “But I don’t want you to go there and … regret it, you know? I don’t want to make you unhappy or anything.”

Her face softened. “I won’t regret it.”

He let out a forceful breath of air, irritated suddenly without knowing why. She was giving him the answer he wanted, wasn’t she? “But …”

“But what?”

“Why?” he blurted out.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “What do you mean ‘why’? Don’t you want to go with me anymore?” She looked so hurt in that moment that Finn wanted to punch himself in the face.

He quickly backtracked. “N-n-no! Not what I meant, not at all!” Finn sighed, resigned.

“Why do you want to go, Rae? Why did you agree to go _with me_? You know I’d love to be with you, more than anything, but do you? I don’t even know what we are right now.” He then looked her straight in the eye. “Are we together?”

“Yes!”

He stared at her, bewildered. The corners of his mouth slowly inched upwards. “We are?” he reiterated, smiling.

She blinked rapidly, her mouth opening and closing – mortified. “I mean, I’d love to, but I know I fucked up things before … and you just got out of a relationship. So, I dunno.” Rae looked down at her feet, her fingers nervously knotting together.

Finn wanted to bark at that – he really didn’t give a shit about whatever he had with Olivia. He’d been over it the second they started dating. But he had a feeling that if he laughed, she’d misunderstand him.

So he settled with putting his hand on her thigh. She jerked slightly, but didn’t move away. Finn glanced at the road, and, deciding the coast was clear, turned to look at her. He stroked her thigh.

“Rae, I’m slowly understanding why you broke up with me. Make no mistake, we still have shitton to talk about. But it’s past the point where I’m angry. I forgive you, Rae. I want to make this work.”

“And about Olivia … She never really meant that much to me, you know? I never really tried. I just winged it, like a ‘see-where-it-goes’ kind of thing. Which was nowhere. I was too hung up on you.”

Rae’s eyes widened at that. “So the mortgage thing …”

“Was utter bullshit,” Finn laughed. He spied the _Welcome to Stamford_ sign in his rear-view mirror and knew time was running out. “Her age never bothered me. I dropped out of college – I might as well be an adult too. She just wasn’t you.”

She bit her lip. Conflicting emotions flashed across her face in quick succession. “I hurt you bad that night, didn’t I?”

Finn knew exactly what night she was talking about. Tensing his jaw, he nodded curtly. He still remembered the stinging in his eyes after she walked away. How, hours, later he was left staring blankly at his bedroom wall, stomach and heart empty.

Rae looked like she was going to cry, but seemed to control herself at the last minute. She put her hand over the one he put on her thigh. Finn looked at her. She gave him a tentative smile, eyes watery.

“If I could take it back, I would,” she said earnestly, her eyes boring into his. He nodded, unsure, not knowing what to say.

She continued. “Let’s do this, Finn – let’s go to motherfucking Leeds. What’s left for us here? The gang don’t need us, my mum don’t need me. Let’s pack our bags and scram.”

Finn nodded whole-heartedly, and smiled, his grip on her tightening. They rode past gritty scenes of urban life, and Finn knew they were near the pub. He was both anxious and nervous to face everyone, knowing that his dad must have informed them that he failed to show up at home. Coupled with Rae’s disappearance, they were in for something.

But he was ready for anything, as long as Rae, his _girlfriend_ , was by his side.

“Do you want to go to the pub?” Finn asked her, nervously. Maybe she just wanted to run away without the whole world knowing. Maybe it would be too painful for her. Or _maybe_ , seeing the gang, would make her stay.

Rae shrugged, offering him a genuine smile. “Might as well.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The Gang (finally) find out! What will their reaction be, scratch that, what will Linda's reaction be? Or will Rinn be gone by then?

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter: Rae and Finn discuss their decision, and clear the doubts between them. Both are presented with some tough choices, especially when their parents and the gang get involved.


End file.
